Relationships can take you from this...
...to this.
Though we try to stray away, toxic relationships can seem unavoidable—especially if you can’t spot them right away. A friendship can start out idyllic, and then slowly deteriorate into something twisted and unrecognizable. Let’s take, for instance my old friend James*.
I met James in
my sophomore year of college. He was a transfer student who had just joined one
of the student organizations that I was avidly involved in, and he seemed just
as passionate. He was tall and muscular, came off a little shy, and was, if
you’re into white boys, very attractive. He wasn’t my taste, but my best friend
Charlotte* was crushing hard. Being the self-proclaimed excellent wing-woman
that I am, I started inviting James to hang out with Charlotte, myself, and our
friends outside of practices and meetings. Over time, Charlotte and James
developed their own toxic relationship. Seeing the emotional toll their
breakups and make-ups took on her was one of the most painful experiences of my life, but it would be unfair for me
to tell a story that is truly hers.
It happened
gradually, to the point that I honestly can’t pinpoint a date where it all
changed, but I eventually went from friend to verbal punching bag. It could be
anything: Everything I said was stupid,
and he was smarter. My clothes were bad,
and he had more style. No one liked me,
and everyone loved him. Every time we went out to dinner, had a meeting, or did
anything all together, I came home feeling about the size of a Borrower.
But what tipped
the scale all the way to toxic: a comment about my weight.
I was still
getting over the Freshman 15 at the time, and, like most 19 year old girls, was
already struggling with my body image, so for him to call me fat was probably
the most heinous thing I could imagine. Combine that with the months of
emotional erosion, and I all but collapsed in on myself like a dying star. I
simply couldn’t handle being around him anymore, so I cut him out of my life as
best I could. I removed myself from any situation outside of group meetings
that involved him, and even there I stayed as far away as possible.
Unfortunately,
that meant I had to spend some time away from that group of friends; they
hadn’t seen the dark side for themselves, and, hoping that they never would, I
didn’t want to turn people against him. Luckily I have never been wanting for
good company, and with an amazing support system outside the toxicity I
eventually got my groove back. Then came time for Charlotte and James to fall
apart, and I consider it one of my greatest accomplishments that I never uttered
the words, “I told you so.” After that, I was free to return to my old
friendships.
My friendship
with James was big-T Toxic, and there is no doubt in my mind that a continued
relationship with him would have hurt my health, mentally and physically. But I
am glad for that relationship because
it made me stronger. In the now-famous words of Kelly Clarkson, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger**.”
Two years ago, I
had no backbone, no self-sustaining confidence, and a shaky-at-best sense of
self worth. James tore me down, as if he exploded my very foundations with
dynamite, but I built them back up stronger than before. Once you see something
broken, you know how to fix it for good. Going through the emotional ringer
taught me to find what I like about myself and stick to it, to stand up for
myself, and to not rely on other people for my own self worth. There is no
world in which I would wish a James experience on anyone—not even on James—but
I do hope that everyone learns, in their own way, that you have the
power to get out a toxic relationship and to become better for it.
Catch y'all on the flip,
Kat
Catch y'all on the flip,
Kat
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